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Oct 6, 2011

இ Don't Mess With Retired Husband

This is a special dedication to all retired husbands. When you have all the time in the world your darling bozz at home would insist you tag along to go shopping with her. Received this email hot from the oven from a buddy, Dale Borrott and thought we all, young and retired should laugh 兔tù~gether. Would sincerely thank the original unknown author or Mr Harris himself for his witty thoughts who probably could have tried the pranks and got banned. You may share the stunts you might wanna try or have tried while you are bored shopping with your wife in your comments and how you get off the hook. At this juncture Bananaz just thought of somebody who is none other than our Uncle Lee who caused a havoc when he released snakes and crabs in cinema when he was a kid, surely he must have lots of clever tricks up his sleeve. Here you go sit on tightly to your chair.

"Retired Husband"
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 02: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.



3. July 07: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 04: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.



6. August 14: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.



8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 04: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 03: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 06: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.



13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.








Emoticon Hallowen 225

99 Bunchesஇ:

Isaac Tan said...

again, a nice share. Laughter's the best medicine for any mood :)

Daniel Chiam said...

Hahahaha if i'm target... I would ban him on the 3 attempt already...

I like the mission impossible one.. i think i tried that before, hahaha. and the fitting room... no toilet papers! hahahaha

This i wanna try next time... the condom and where's the fitting room, hahahahaha

Good one!

Tekkaus said...

OMG! He sounds more like a kid rather than an old uncle. :p

Small Kucing said...

LOL...a good post

Uncle Lee said...

Hi Bananaz, haha, go ahead.....
Another thing I love to do now is when go to friend's bbqs or pot luck house parties, I buy a packet of condoms....
and discreetly drop under a lady's chair, especially if much older lady I know can take jokes.

Then pretend and say, "hey I think you drop something under your chair".
When she pick up....and get big shock.....can laugh, everyone too....till tears come out, at her denying it is her's, arhaaaa ha ha.

Or leave one i the bathroom.....you should try it!
When a girl brings it out and say, "HOI! Who left this in bathroom"? Ha ha ha.

Sometimes I drop one in food court under an old Ah Por's chair.....once in the supermarket.
Hey, for a couple of dollars, the laughs worth it. Ha ha.
Have a nice day.
Lee.

Windsmoke. said...

Very humourous indeed, well done :-).

eugene said...

Now it seems to be,it would be so much fun to retire,,, I must pick some nice tips from Harris,, i particualarly like the one,, set up the camp tent,inviting the kids to sneak in and sleep,getting the pillows from the bedding dept,,and 20 children obliged,,this is cool.

Personally do you like shopping Bananaz,,, if you don't,you better add more thing to Harris' list,,,,,,,lol

take care now ya

One said...

This is really good. I didn't know so much can be done at shopping complexes. I've aged and dislike shopping now. Maybe I should try some of the stunts. :)

suituapui said...

LOL!!! Must learn and remember all these and try when going shopping with the missus! Hahahahaha!!!!

wenn said...

he's going through second childhood..hehe

yvonne said...

Wakakakaka! This entry sure brighten up my day! Mr Harris reminds me of Mr Bean.

If my hubb did any of those stuffs, I'll ban him from following me to the supermarket. No need to wait for the management to send letter.

Luckily, he's no a shopping-kaki. And I prefer to shop with my girlfriends.

Yee Ling said...

Ooo...gosh. Luckily I seldom go shopping with hubs. I prefer to go myself without tagging anyone.So, the chances of me receiving the letter will be slim..LOL!!

Alice Phua said...

LOL, sounds like a naughty retired husband whose second childhood has drawn by! ^_^

reanaclaire said...

Gosh.. who really dare to follow him to do all that!! not asian men.. right?

lina said...

LOL

What a great story to start our day.

Happy Thursday Bananaz! ^^

lina said...

Would you be like that also, "uncle" Bananaz? xD

[SK] said...

hahaha, but i wonder how real these are and how many people are doing that in real?? could be, i am not surprise actually, but that would not have all happened on one person.. :D

[SK] said...

thanks for the great share.. i was shocked when i woke up reading the news about Steve Job's departure.. read this and calm down a little.. :)

Amelia's De-ssert said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Merryn said...

LMAO! In MY household, you'll see ME doing all THOSE while the hubs happily does his shopping! @_@

I HATE SHOPPING!

Hayley said...

Haha this is funny~ Something to cheer up my morning..

lina said...

I'm like Nerryn too. Hate shopping or rather browsing. I just one thing to buy, I just zoom in, grab (maybe try) and pay.

My hubby will go to few different shops, different malls just to buy one pair of shoes. o.O

Cloudia said...

LOL!




Warm Aloha from Honolulu;

Comfort Spiral



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Sheoh Yan said...

Thank God that our Uncle Lee wasn't as nuisance as Mr.Harris. He was just discreetly admiring and taking pictures of SYT when shopping with Mrs. Lee.

Sheoh Yan said...

By the way, if my husband is to do all this, I will be the first to bring him see psychiatrist. Thank for the jokes, bananaz. Oh! Mission Impossible theme is classic.

mNhL said...

My retired dad enjoys shopping with my retired mum. haha.... Luckily he did none of what Mr Harris did. hahaha.....

Amelia's De-ssert said...

Hi Bananaz, Your post makes me laugh until I got choke and kopi-o spill on the table. hahaha. Luckily, my hubby don't follow me go shopping and I also ban him from retirement.

Wai Kitt said...

Hahaha!!!I laugh from the beginning till the end of your post!very funny...!

Leovi said...

Great, I like the idea of condoms, I will try to apply it when you go shopping with my wife.

Gratitude said...

Wakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakaka
This person is super creative. The plots could be made into a movie!

Thanks for the great laugh!
+Ant+

MODERN ROBINSON CRUSOE said...

Another quality material from Banz - some funny points :-)

ladyviral said...

hubby not going to show up with the wife shopping anymore haha!

Daisy said...

HA! Very funny post, Bananaz! Thanks for making me smile this morning. :)

foongpc said...

LOL!! I also dislike shopping! I only shop what I want to buy : )

Autumn Belle said...

Hahaha, this is good for laughs. If I go shopping for stress relieve, I'd do it on my own. I do understand Mr Harris behaviour :>)

HappySurfer said...

Thanks for the laugh though I wonder if anyone would do all the things here. Still, some fun ideas.

Hey, thanks for your quick response to Robin's anonymous survey. 500 responses seem a big number. Hope he'll be able to meet the quota in time.

Wenny said...

First I smiled, then I giggled and started to laugh and laughed louder and louder ... gosh my family thought I had gone bonkers!

Great piece of laughter! Thanks for sharing. It's never short around here.

Willie a.k.a Reptoz said...

Omg! This is funny. I wonder whether i will do that when i retire next time. Huhu.

But i'm the opposite of most men. I love shopping provided that i have money to spend. And one thing for sure ... i might be bringing my grandchildren shopping.

Regina said...

Lol)..too much! The tomato juice trail was just rude! I like to shop by myself cause its nearly the same in the automotive dept. almost..we don't want to be tortured or rushed!
The condom and the fitting room was classic:)

lena said...

this kind of husband very scary lah..gone gila kah? better stay at home or better still, dont retire!

Casendra said...

nice sharing, its just... 'farnie' lah... hahahaha

Leovi said...

JA JA JA, I would have liked to see the 'Madonna look ". You enjoy the weekend.

Kelvin said...

"3. July 07: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom."

EPIC.

rainfield61 said...

Count me lucky since I am not a retired husband yet.


Count me lucky my wife is not a shopaholic.

But I may find myself in one of the list if I am gaga enough.

Bananazஇ said...

Isaac Tan இ You're first. Good to laugh often to start your day.

Daniel Chiam இ Really you gonna try the condom thingy, probably they ask you go toilet to try hahaha

Tekkaus இ Yeah people who get older turn into child again.

Bananazஇ said...

Small Kucing இ tQ hope your Papa would try any haha.

Uncle Lee இ Hi tQ for the green light. Condom can also save life heh..haha.

Windsmoke இ tQ G'Day mate.

Bananazஇ said...

Eugene இ Do the tent trick? haha. Used to love window shopping now slow down slightly.

One இ You would? haha.

Suituapui இ They ban you after 3 stunts haha.

Bananazஇ said...

Wenn இ Either second childhood or on purpose so that Mrs Harris would not drag him along for shopping in future.

Yvonne இ True ladies often have more fun shopping together and would face pressure when hubs is waiting especially impatiently.

Yee Ling இ Bananaz cant enjoy shopping if old folks tag along and they wanna go home earlier or legs tired or bored.

Bananazஇ said...

Alice Phua இ Probably he wanted it badly so that no need to go shopping with wife haha.

Reanaclaire இ Already more than 3 comments they might want to try. The alarm clock setting to ring is very interesting to try haha.

Lina இ Uncle Bananaz would love it when younger as a kid now maybe coz heart grown smaller haha.

Bananazஇ said...

[SK] இ Its happening a few comments said they wanna try Bananaz might try hehe. Think the author could be working in Target who could have seen lots of cases.

Merryn இ So hubs love shopping and you be the naughty one going around haha.

Hayley இ Have a great day.

Bananazஇ said...

Lina இ If buy only one thing would go to a mini market. Usually when go shopping in complex would max the time to at least half a day then only satisfied mah. Spent toll, parking, petrol might as well enjoy the time after all aircon foc haha.

Cloudia இ Aloha

Sheoh Yan இ Uncle Lee could be worst than Mr Harris hahaha. Bananaz would at times wanna sit inside the trolley and be pushed but Mango not co-operative haha.

Bananazஇ said...

mNhL இ Most Asians are more reserved and want to upkeep their status as respectable head of family to set good example.

Amelia's De-ssert இ Ooops forgot again to add in disclaimer not responsible for choke, coffee spilling on keyboard or fall of chair haha.

Wai Kitt இ Hope no one is around you thought something wrong with you haha.

Bananazஇ said...

Leovi இ Oh oh now a handful trying the new stunts, hope you are not ban by wife in future haha

Gratitude இ You're most welcome sama sama. Think Mr Bean do have these things in common.

MRC இ tQ Sir glad you like them.

Bananazஇ said...

Ladyviral இ Excuse not to be drag along shopping if someone hated shopping.

Daisy இ Glad it brings smile in the early morning.

Foongpc இ Aiyo why waste just run in the complex then out buying one item. Max it haha.

Bananazஇ said...

Autumn Belle இ Yeah same with Bananaz, can have peace of mind without someone waiting no stress.

HappySurfer இ There are people trying out have a few interested bloggers already haha. About Robin's survey..Done!

Wenny இ Oh oh family might ban you on blogging instead haha.

Bananazஇ said...

Willie இ Shopping is one kind of enjoyment and was my past time once.

Regina இ Think tomato trick was imaginative. Fiddling among some items is common, like putting a new mop over the head making funny faces, or wearing a lamp shade which are mild stunts.

Lena இ If you watch Mr Bean it could be almost similar there sure to be weird people around.

Bananazஇ said...

Casendra இ Glad it tickled you to start a smile in the morning.

Leovi இ Fans of Madonna haha. You have a great weekend too.

Kelvin இ Think this is too much maybe just some wild & creative imagination lolz.

Bananazஇ said...

Rainfield61 இ Great have not reach second childhood and you are safe as wife not a shopaholic. Times change, people change and when they have too much time might go nuts to try funny things.

MODERN ROBINSON CRUSOE said...

Hey what's with this sir sir thing?? :)

Ok signing off lord Bananaz!!

Bananazஇ said...

Sir like writing letter start of with Dear Sir mah..haha what lord? aiyo lolz...

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

hilarious stuff, keep up the great work

Pete said...

Ha ha ha, should poke all the condoms with needle, then the area have baby boom! lol!

Samgoss said...

2 banazaz..

Whether they r Buddhist or not ? u can get it from Goggle search , hard 2 believe they r Buddhist ? ha ha

Me too... but y ppl so particular on this ? is it bcos they cant stand their idol 2 be a Buddhist ?

Fyi, not only both of them r Buddhist ? in fact quite alot of American scientist n Billionaire choose 2 be Buddhist ^_-

4 me ,All religions r d same , 2 those extremist , dont be so extreme n narrow minded lah ! LOL ^_-

one more stuff ,,mr banana,,,, I think u got it wrong on this >

Mr Banana said >
But our tongues wag white, which is not in kin
“If you don’t speak Chinese….,” so they say,
“You are not Chinese enough!” and that’s the way.
Our own kind deem to treat us like weed,
***

U r very wrong on this !!! Yr own kind never treat u like weed ! they treat u like weed is only when Mr Banana thought their "white" is a class above d "Yellow" ! it is only when Mr banana look down 2 his mother tongue n culture !then only yr kind will treat u like weed ! LOL

Got it ?

There is nothing shame of being a banana , not yr fault at all but yr parent !

Fyi, My father is oso a banana ! so... do u think I will treat him like weed ?

Lastly, what about yr kids ? r they banana too ? hopefully u didnt make a wrong choice like yr parent did ^_-

Bananazஇ said...

Elliot MacLeod-Michael இ tQ for dropping by and you have a great week.

Pete இ No wonder so many condom babies during so you poked them eh haha.

Samgoss இ tQ for dropping and thanks for your comment. Bananaz will certainly 不忘本 that's for sure. Have replied you in your blog. This ChinamanBananaz now upgraded to iBananaz haha

Samgoss said...

Good very good , yr daughter will feel very proud of having such a father like u :- we chinaman oso feel proud of u !

Regarding d Steve n gates stuffs , copy n paste from google search ! Don't be so kan Cheong on that , anyway still need to thanks for yr alert:-

Learning mandarin is not as hard as u thought , some of my banana u mates can now speak n write better Chinese than me ! Keep it up dude :-

MODERN ROBINSON CRUSOE said...

lolz - Aiyo now i understand :-D

Alice Law said...

LOL, men's menopause cum Alzheimer!

Bananazஇ said...

Samgoss இ Can speak Mandarin pretty well *ahem* just can't read and write many words but with this blog improved tremendously. Oh the Gates vz Jobs is copy and paste thingy no sweat just spotted two mistakes. Xie xie

MRC இ Spot on bro..~;).

Alice Law இ Three in one *men's menopause*, Alzheimer & action protest of shopping with wife lolz.

Life Ramblings said...

as a woman, shopping is one of the least favorite things to do for me.

Life Ramblings said...

I seldom go to a shopping mall unless I actually need something new.

Life Ramblings said...

my hubby enjoys browsing gadget stores but there’s nothing in there that interests me.

Life Ramblings said...

i still do most of the shopping though especially the groceries and i do most of my shopping at Tesco or Carrefour where I can get most things at one place.

Leovi said...

I love your pranks. Why not write a book?

Bananazஇ said...

Life Ramblings இ Seldom to hear a lady not a shopaholic and most of the time would be the opposite for the hubs to like it. Know of a lady bozz in our regular restaurant where she dislikes going places or shopping but her hubs is otherwise haha.

Leovi இ Most of the jokes are not mine. Great idea could have a food for thought to start compiling my very own then. tQ.

EastCoastLife said...

Gosh, I hope my husband is not going to do these embarrassing things to me when he retires.

He is still a decade away from retirement.

hmmmm.... there's time to get a divorce.

Lrong said...

Woah, had a good laugh...

Bananazஇ said...

EastCoastLife இ Long way to get to retirement haha

Lrong இ Not all the pranks could be applicable. Bananaz would love to set the alarm clock ringing at 5 mins interval. Lolz.

Leovi said...

Well friend, I can not stop laughing with your jokes.

Ron aka TheOldGeezer said...

I love retired husbands! I guess that's because I am one! :-)

Thanks for your recent comment on my blog :-)

Have a nice day :-)

Bananazஇ said...

Leovi இ Carry on laugh hahaha.

Ron aka TheOldGeezer இ tQ when you have an overdosed of coffee and cant sleep don't try the pranks in Target haha.

London Caller said...

Hello! How are you?
What have you been up to lately?
Went to Kuala Lumpur last week.
Had a great time there.
Tomorrow, will be going to Singapore.
Next, will be flying back to London.

Bananazஇ said...

London Caller இ Why operasi bosia? Quietly come and go could go yamchar lah bro.

HappySurfer said...

Happy Monday, Bananaz, and a wonderful week ahead too.

Quay Po Cooks said...

Firstly, thanks for the good laugh. I would rather my retired hubby do all of the above in the supermarket as long as he does not contract the "Retired husband syndrome:. That will be a real problem! LOL!

Quote from Good Morning America's article:

"Retired husband syndrome" is one of the leading causes of divorce among older couples in Japan. The symptoms include irritability, ulcers, rashes, and the recurring urge to toss one's husband out the window.

Japanese doctors first described the syndrome when wives started showing symptoms of stress after being forced to deal with their recently retired husbands who demanded absolute subservience. The divorce rates among couples married for 20 years more than doubled between 1985 and 2000 in Japan."

prince n princess mum said...

Ha!~

CH Voon said...

Mango's mandarin better than me... i not very understand what is the meaning of 見面三分情 hehehe

CH Voon said...

I guess your are not retired hubby right? You only 36 years old. 2 years younger than manglish.

Bananazஇ said...

HappySurfer இ Happy Monday 2u love your videos.

Quay Po Cooks இ Retired husband syndrome is really that bad! Wow count our blessings if we can have some fun in supermarket would be OK.

prince n princess mum இ tQ for dropping by.

CH Voon இ Think if not mistaken 見面三分情 when we meet someone at the least there is some rapport and got feelings exchanged than rather through blog like robot..haha. Ask them they wanna bet again? You beleaf Bananaz is 36? muahahaha.

jam said...

I guess that is a retired husband who has lose his mind, haha!

Bananazஇ said...

jam இ this retired husband is considered OK which Bananaz may try some of it..hahaha.

HappySurfer said...

Happy weekend, Bananaz!

Bananazஇ said...

HappySurfer இ You have a great weekend too. Very guilty here not updating a new post hands pretty tied-up lately coming up very soon. Cheers.

Alice Phua said...

Hahaha....yes, I read this too in Uncle Lee's blog. Good read, good laugh! ^_^

Bananazஇ said...

Alice Phua இ Yeah Uncle Lee got lots of tricky stuff up in his sleeves hahaha.

Charmaine Pua Li Ping said...

LOL men are like kids no matter how old they are! They just love to play and prank people around!

Bananazஇ said...

Charmaine இ They say second childhood woh haha.

FiSh said...

my dad is retiring too! hope he can act more normal. hahas :P

Bananazஇ said...

FiSh இ They say when people gets older they are going through second childhood haha. Hope he is himself.

Islam said...

Pls make a post related comments
Allah
Islam
Muslim
Dajjal

 
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